Dad in the Middle: A Stepfather's Strategy for Co-Parenting with the Biological Father

The first thing I remind myself is to stick to the advice co-parenting experts consistently recommend about keeping your emotions in check, and tracing them to their source before acting on them. Some feelings are legitimate and need to be expressed constructively, while others should be kept in check in order to avoid turning a bad situation worse. In the case of Mr. B, a fear of the unknown spurred my reaction which is understandable; however, what I failed to account for was that fear can extend both ways. According to Dr. Isolina Ricci, author of Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for your Child, "Fears... can be subtle and hidden, but everyone, even the new bride and groom, has them." I may harbor concerns for Mr. B because I don't know him, but he doesn't know me either.

As a new stepdad, it is likely Mr. B has his own apprehensions, and unleashing a furious round of shock and awe on him wouldn't help matters. This is why Dr. Ricci advocates reaching out to the other party, preferably with the step-parent taking the initiative to reassure the other and establishing a line of communication that is congruent to your mutual comfortable levels. Realizing you both have concerns can make taking this initial step easier, and the kids will notice when this barrier has breached.

As a result of my interaction with the girls' father, they exhibit fewer behavioral issues related to their conflicted feelings of loyalty and affection associated with having two dads. Even though there will always be issues, their father and I agree that the girls' well-being comes first. The same cannot be said with my boys since no relationship exists between me and Mr. B. Tough as this is, I have to keep in mind that I can exert no control over it. Forcing the matter might seem warranted, but the ends don't necessarily justify the means. Later in Dr. Ricci's book, she recommends allowing this relationship to happen naturally. "Let it develop... at [its] own pace without interference from either of the other adults or the children." To push what's not there can create or inflame tensions that could hurt the chances of any potential rapport in the future.