Dad in the Middle: A Stepfather's Strategy for Co-Parenting with the Biological Father

"Dad, Mr. B yells at us more than you do." These aren't exactly the most comforting to words to hear from your child as they describe their stepfather. I can imagine few situations worse than having your child's welfare in the hands of a strange man. So when my seven year-old son told me this from four states away, I remained calm, but mentally a boat load of questions were swirling around on a tidal wave of emotion. Who does this guy think he is verbally abusing my boys?

Until this point, the boys had been vague about their mom's new husband. Since this was their first and only concrete description of Mr. B, I planed on pricing airline tickets the second the conversation with my son ended. After hanging up, I headed toward my desk where my six year-old stepdaughter was standing on top of the computer tower as she played Webkinz. This is a regular problem and my response was strong enough to induce crying, but when I saw her tears, it made me stop and think for a moment. Was I being a hypocrite here?

As a stay-at-home dad with two stepdaughters, there have been a number of incidents when I've raised my voice for valid reasons. Could it be possible that the same might be true for my boys and their stepdad? And what would the girls' biological father say if he saw his little girl crying after witnessing me holler at her? Being between these two other men made me a father in the middle: I'm the actual parent to three sons who spend most of their time under the roof of another man, and the step-parent who spends most of my time rearing another man's children. Given this position, I have to constantly be conscious of such dynamics in dealing with these other dads-one of whom I know fairly well and the other being a complete mystery.