Relationships: Knowing Someone for 24 Years Doesn't Make Them a Good Friend

Friend for 24 Years Turns Out to Be Not so Good of a Friend

A woman whom I had regarded as a friend for 24 years turned out to be a not-so-good friend. How could I have known someone for that many years, and not realized that she was not really a good friend? What really determines a good friend or relationship?

"Donna" and I met at college 24 years ago. We discovered that we both worked for the same large manufacturer who employed thousands, so it was not uncommon to not know someone else at work. We were both taking the same science and math courses, and we were both "non-traditional" older students, having been out of high school and into the work force for many years. We often enjoyed dinner together after work and before classes began—we were night students. We had so much in common (school, work, computer-science curriculum, and being "older" students) that we automatically became friends, a relationship that would last 24 years.

Over the years, I had enjoyed learning from Donna about her family and felt as if I got to know all of them through Donna's descriptions of her parents, brother, sister, and children's families. I am a good listener and enjoy learning about people and their backgrounds. I take an interest in viewing people's family photos and knowing more about their loved ones and those who have meaning in their lives.

I am a very non-judgmental person. I don't often make a decision about whether or not a person is good or bad; however, I do feel that some people make bad choices. When someone is going through hard times, I usually empathize with them, even though they may have made unwise decisions that brought on their situation. Thus, I always listened without judgment to Donna's life, family, and stories.

During our dinners before class time, I valued listening to Donna talk about her life, her work, her family, her triumphs and woes in life. I always felt that we were good friends. We both graduated together, which was a major accomplishment in my life. Unfortunately, none of my family could attend my graduation due to a death in the family. But Donna was there, as well as my husband a two of his children.